Church Camp

I went to a very conservative Christian camp in my freshman year of high school with some not-so-nice schoolmates from my very tiny Christian school. There were designated swim times for boys and girls to swim separately and clothes had to be worn en route to the pool. It was the girls’ turn to swim so we all put our suits on and our long skirts over them (really conservative) and walked over together to swim.

Turns out my underwear had gotten stuck inside my skirt while changing into my suit and fell out on the walking path where it was later found by a bunch of boys. A counselor quickly snatched it up before the boys could do anything sinister with it, but when we got to the cabin, the counselor held my floral-printed waist-highs into the air and said “Whose are these? One of you dropped them outside.” In the half second it took for my face to turn beet red, one of my schoolmates laughs and screams, “Anna! Those are yours!” while the whole cabin had a good laugh at my expense. She apparently had thoroughly examined my undergarments as we all changed.

This same girl later thought it was a funny prank to put hair gel in my sneakers.

Shut up they were awesome.

The Time I Pooped On My Husband’s Wallet

One night my husband had a few friends over for a D&D game night (someone else needs to be embarrassed besides me in some of these stories). Feeding 5 or 6 men in their 20’s is no easy task, so I decided to go grab some pizzas from the nearby parlor. I took my husband’s wallet with me instead of my purse so I could carry all the pizzas by myself. After getting the pizzas and coming home, I needed to poop (no way!). I had the wallet in my back pocket when I went into the bathroom, but I didn’t when I was done. When I dropped my pants to sit down, the wallet came out of my back pocket and fell into the toilet! I didn’t even realize what had happened until I turned around to flush and thought I had just pooped a square.

I had to fish the wallet out from under my waste and toss it into the bathtub so I could wash it off with the handheld shower head.

Seeing the humor in what had just happened, I called my husband over to have a laugh and asked him to not tell his friends. He got a look on his face I hope I never see again, and ran down the hallway screaming, “Anna just pooped on my wallet!”

Next time I won’t even tell him.

Not that I’m guaranteeing that there will be a next time…

The Time I Made Terrible Brownies & Poisoned My Dog

This story has way too many levels of fail. It’s like 2 stories in one.

I am terrible at baking. So bad that this story is about boxed brownies.

I mixed up the batter and plopped it into the greased baking pan and thought it looked too thick, so I re-read the directions and noticed that I forgot the eggs. I put the batter back into the bowl, added the eggs, and then put it back into the greased baking pan. I re-RE-read the directions and realized I forgot the milk! GAH! so instead of taking the batter out of the pan again, I just added it directly into the baking pan and mixed it all together. Some of you with even the slightest baking skill can tell how they came out. The oil from the baking pan mixed in when I added the milk. So not only did the brownies fuse with the baking pan on a molecular level, the brownies were oily and completely inedible.

I threw the whole batch into the trash.

The next day was Sunday and I went to church where I taught a 5th grade class. That lesson was about forgiveness and I used my sweet dog as an example. He likes to get into the trash and eat food scraps, but I will always love and forgive him (shut up I’m not great with metaphores). I literally said, “I bet he’s eating whatever’s in there as we speak” as if I couldn’t curse myself any more.

We usually went to my in-laws’ house after church so we stopped by our house, picked up the dog, and went on our way. We didn’t go into the house, we just called the dog out to the car and left–not realizing that he had gotten into the trash and eaten the whole batch of brownies. An hour later the dog had gulped enough pool water while in the backyard to look like he ate a beach ball and started puking brown water all over the carpet.

4 hours and a $200 vet bill later, we finally went home to let our poor puppy pee out the chocolate poison.

One of the only times he ever cried to go out was when he was full of pool/brownie water. Usually he just does this until I figure out that he needs to go.


First Day of High School

I don’t know if my first day of high school was particularly bad, or if time has exaggerated it in my mind.

People kept asking me if I was related to other white kids at the school.

Going down a flight of stairs, my backpack got caught on someone else’s backpack and I was dragged back to the top and then cussed at for slowing him down.

Got pushed down the stairs by a midget.

Spanish class was actually in Spanish.

I got 3rd chair on the first day of band (which would be a point of pride, except that it immediately made me the enemy of all the seniors below my placement).

I had no friends.

Logical response to this not-really-that-bad first day of school? Transfer. Stories of the new, super-conservative Christian school to come.