You Could Be Better Than You Are

I was working at the aquarium when a guest began to talk with at me:
“Oh you have the most beautiful blue eyes, don’t you know? I’m sure people tell you all the time. You don’t wear makeup do you? Of course you don’t. If you wore some mascara to make your lashes longer your eyes would be beautiful.”


I don’t really remember what she looked like, but she will forever live in my brain looking like Lucille Bluth



Married? You should leave him. You have a dog? Put him to sleep.

Working at the front desk of a real estate office, I get a lot of sales people coming in to pitch to me. This guy was a thick-neck personal trainer from a new gym that was about to open up. He wanted to leave some flyers for the agents, but insisted on writing his name on each flyer before giving them to me. Here’s the exchange we had while he sat and wrote his name 30 times:

Guy:”Real estate offices always hire supermodels. Do you work out?”
Me: “No.”

(he brought a dog with him)

Me: “Can I pet your dog?”
Guy:”You can pet me if you’re not married.”
Me: I am.
Guy: Happy?
Me: Yes.
(I should have asked him to leave at this point.)
(He asks me about my dog and it comes up that Toofer has Addisons)
Guy: “I would put my dog down if there was anything wrong with him.”
Me: “He takes one pill a day and he’s totally normal.”
Guy: “Yeah but still. Where did you get him?”
Me: “The pound. We thought he was a border collie, but he surprised us.”
Guy: “Should have bought a purebred.”

I threw all the flyers in the trash.

You clearly don’t know who you’re talking to.


My (not) First day of 6th Grade

My younger sister started 6th grade the same year I started college. She was moving up from elementary school to middle school and I went with her and my mother to her new campus for parent/teacher night. Without fail, every teacher addressed me as the new student and not my sister.

“Hi! What’s you’re name? I’m excited that you will be in my class this year!”

“Sorry, I’m starting college this year. My sister is your student.”

“Oh! You look so young!”

6 years and 7 grades younger, to be exact.

To their credit, this is me at 17. I’m 4’11” and not very…bumpy. But really? 6th grade?


The Time I Peed Myself to Avoid Embarrassment

As mentioned in my previous post, I went to a very small, very conservative, Christian high school. Every year we participated in an international student convention where Christian schools from all over the world gathered to compete in different events.

A classmate and I were on our way to one of the events and took a detour to a public restroom. I had been holding my bladder for a while and really needed to go, but I didn’t want it to make a lot of noise when I went because the girl I was with (the same one from the last post) liked to point out anything even remotely embarrassing and use it like a cattle prod against me.

I leaned as far as I could to make sure I hit porcelain instead of water.

I leaned too far.

I peed like a sharp-shooter right between the toilet seat and the bowl and onto my nylon stockings.

Nylons were required to attend any competitions (seriously conservative school) and I wasn’t about to walk around in urine-soaked hosiery, so I lied.

A self-deprecating lie is always the most convincing, so this one was good. This particular classmate was sharing a room with me at the convention and was appalled by how bad my feet smell after a day of wearing nylons (I’m not the only one, right?) and had already repeatedly made fun of me about it in public and in private. It seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. I told her my feet smelled so bad I could smell them while they were still in my shoes and need to wash my feet and change my nylons.

And guess what.

IT TOTALLY WORKED! She complained all the way to the room about how we were going to be late to the event, but she never found out what happened!