How about just never throw stones?

4th grade was a tough year for me. Long division, an over-crowded classroom, and the worst yard duty lady of all time. She was old and mean and wore giant glasses attached to a string of glass beads. I feel like this woman was present in everyone’s childhood because every time I describe her I get a resounding “Oh, I know what you mean.”

Being the 4th grader that I was, my friend and I were trying to see how high we could throw a rock into the air. We were so cool. We had thrown the rock a few times and I knew I could really throw it high if I put my whole body into the motion. I got a little carried away and arched my back enough to send the rock flying backward over my head and directly into the leg of the horrible yard duty lady.

She came screaming over to me and shoved her nose so close to mine that my eyes watered from trying to look at her through her coke bottle glasses. She screamed and yelled at me for what felt like 2 recesses and finally determined that multiple sessions of detention were the only cure for a 4th grader’s desire to throw stones.

Im pretty sure I have thrown plenty of rocks since then. Those detentions didn’t take, I guess.

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No Pants #4

This can also be titled “Ladybugs Are A Bunch Of Jerks” because I was pantsed by a swarm of them.

Not really, but whatever. I still blame the bugs.

At church camp one year there was a huge swarm of ladybugs that covered the entire camp. we had to cancel a bunch of activities because there were too many bugs to go outside. They were getting in kids’ eyes ears and mouths just from walking around. It was seriously an apocalypse-status attack.

One activity that made the cut was a water balloon fight. Since the little beetles steered clear of water, we were pretty safe. So we ran around and got soaked and had a great time. When I went back to the cabin to change back into dry clothes, I found a lost and lonely ladybug in my suitcase. Being the compassionate kid that I was, I decided to set the thing free outside.

Turns out that sometime between coming into the cabin and finding the ladybug I had taken off and forgotten about my pants. So I set the jerk free on the deck of the cabin wearing a wet t-shirt and my underoos while a group of kids walked past with fishing poles.

I’ve only recently begun to forgive the little jerks with their stupid polka-dotted butts and ugly beetle faces.

You're not fooling anyone, you spotted jerk.
You’re not fooling anyone, you spotted jerk.

6th-Graders Are The Worst

I help with the worship on Wednesday morning chapel at the Christian school connected to my church. When worship is done I go and sit with the kids and listen to the message. On one of these days I was chewing on my lip and it made an incriminating fart noise that made the surrounding group of 6th-grade girls turn around and throw offended looks at me. I tried to motion that the noise was definitely made with my mouth and not with my butt but I don’t think they believed me.

I am 24 and still embarrassed.

I am The Meanest in The Land #2

Scene: It’s day 3 of driver’s-ed and 16-year-old me is coming back to the classroom from lunch. I don’t know anyone in the class and I don’t really care to talk to anyone since the classes are only 5 days long. A gangly, unwashed boy with a dime-sized scab on his upper lip approaches me.

Scabby: You don’t talk very much, do you?

Me: Nope.