Boob Touching

This is the most awkward thing that has ever happened to me at church.

Yep, church.

My husband and I were visiting a friend’s church where they make everyone wear name tags. I placed mine on the left side of my chest, but I’m pretty tiny so it pretty much covered my entire left breast. When we were greeted by the elderly pastor, he had some difficulty reading our name tags. He leaned in close to my husband’s chest, tapped his name tag with a wobbly finger and read it out loud. Then he leaned over to me to make the same gesture and poked me square on the boob.

Advertisements

The Accidental Text

I feel like everyone has done it. You know, sent a text to the wrong person. Well my story totally wins.(or loses–however you want to look at it)

I was explaining to my mom over the phone that my acne had gotten so bad that I scheduled a dermatologist appointment to get it taken care of. It was the worst it had ever been and I had been caking on makeup to cover all the redness and splotches and it was getting seriously painful to even lay on my pillow at night. Like really really bad. She had never seen me break out so badly and was wondering if I could send her a pic to see if it was actually an allergic reaction instead of just acne.

Here’s where the mistake was made: when I opened up my iPhone messenger app to send her a pic, it was already open to a conversation, but not with my mom. It was with my overly awkward church worship leader! I snapped 2 pics and sent them off before I realized what I had done!

He claims to have never opened it, but how could he not? And if he did, it’s so embarrassing that of course he would say he never saw it. I’m sure he wishes he never did.

No Pants #4

This can also be titled “Ladybugs Are A Bunch Of Jerks” because I was pantsed by a swarm of them.

Not really, but whatever. I still blame the bugs.

At church camp one year there was a huge swarm of ladybugs that covered the entire camp. we had to cancel a bunch of activities because there were too many bugs to go outside. They were getting in kids’ eyes ears and mouths just from walking around. It was seriously an apocalypse-status attack.

One activity that made the cut was a water balloon fight. Since the little beetles steered clear of water, we were pretty safe. So we ran around and got soaked and had a great time. When I went back to the cabin to change back into dry clothes, I found a lost and lonely ladybug in my suitcase. Being the compassionate kid that I was, I decided to set the thing free outside.

Turns out that sometime between coming into the cabin and finding the ladybug I had taken off and forgotten about my pants. So I set the jerk free on the deck of the cabin wearing a wet t-shirt and my underoos while a group of kids walked past with fishing poles.

I’ve only recently begun to forgive the little jerks with their stupid polka-dotted butts and ugly beetle faces.

You're not fooling anyone, you spotted jerk.
You’re not fooling anyone, you spotted jerk.

I am The Meanest in The Land #2

Scene: It’s day 3 of driver’s-ed and 16-year-old me is coming back to the classroom from lunch. I don’t know anyone in the class and I don’t really care to talk to anyone since the classes are only 5 days long. A gangly, unwashed boy with a dime-sized scab on his upper lip approaches me.

Scabby: You don’t talk very much, do you?

Me: Nope.

I Am The Meanest In The Land

I went to a very tiny church a few years ago and I was kind of the go-to substitute teacher on Sunday mornings. I had been teaching a 5th grade class full of boys for a while. It was fun and easy because if they started to whine I could just tell them to stop and get over it and they would.

One Sunday I was subbing for a kindergarten class and I forgot to switch gears from the 5th grade style, and I turned into a monster.

Me: Ok kids, it’s time to clean up. It’s almost time to go!

Kid: *In a fake, baby-talk voice* But I don’t want to clean up!

Me: *mimicking his tone* Aaw! Well that’s just too bad!

Kid: You sound like a baby.

Me: You’re acting like one.

Kid: *a surprised look on his face* Those are mean words…

Yes. Yes they are. I am a menace to all kindergartners. Hide your kids.

2847201