Tidal Wave

How are so many of my stories about bowel movements? You might not believe this, but I am in fact potty trained. I even use the toilet successfully multiple times a day.

This is a story of peer pressure and how terribly I cope with it.

In 6th grade my school took us to Six Flags Magic Mountain. My family practically lived there during my childhood so it wasn’t that big of a deal to me, but it was fun to go with friends. I don’t know how many of you are familiar with the ride Tidal Wave, but it’s a water ride that soaks onlookers that are standing on a nearby pier. Stand on one side of the red line, you get wet. Stand on the other, you don’t.

I had been complaining for about half an hour about how I needed to use the restroom when we passed Tidal Wave and I was on the verge of bursting. I was about to ditch my friends to run to the nearest restroom when they decided it would be fun to trick me into getting drenched on the pier.

I knew exactly what they were doing because I had done this same thing dozens of times. I’m a Six Flags pro, remember? But as they were dragging me over the red line I realized that if I let them do this to me I wouldn’t be able to hold it anymore.

So I didn’t.

I let them prank me into getting drenched so that I didn’t have to hold it anymore.

30 min later: “Didn’t you need to use the restroom?”

“…No.”

I am The Meanest in The Land #2

Scene: It’s day 3 of driver’s-ed and 16-year-old me is coming back to the classroom from lunch. I don’t know anyone in the class and I don’t really care to talk to anyone since the classes are only 5 days long. A gangly, unwashed boy with a dime-sized scab on his upper lip approaches me.

Scabby: You don’t talk very much, do you?

Me: Nope.

I Am The Meanest In The Land

I went to a very tiny church a few years ago and I was kind of the go-to substitute teacher on Sunday mornings. I had been teaching a 5th grade class full of boys for a while. It was fun and easy because if they started to whine I could just tell them to stop and get over it and they would.

One Sunday I was subbing for a kindergarten class and I forgot to switch gears from the 5th grade style, and I turned into a monster.

Me: Ok kids, it’s time to clean up. It’s almost time to go!

Kid: *In a fake, baby-talk voice* But I don’t want to clean up!

Me: *mimicking his tone* Aaw! Well that’s just too bad!

Kid: You sound like a baby.

Me: You’re acting like one.

Kid: *a surprised look on his face* Those are mean words…

Yes. Yes they are. I am a menace to all kindergartners. Hide your kids.

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