Foot in Mouth #2

I had a phone interview with a pet teeth cleaning service and I wasn’t as prepared as I should have been.

Interviewer: Pet owners are very careful when trusting others with the care of their pets. Are you capable of assuring people you’ve never met before of your trustworthiness?

Me: Absolutely! I’m a great first-impressionist!

Internal me: Noooooo! What have I done?

Why is it cute when a baby puts her foot in her mouth but not when I do it?

You Could Be Better Than You Are

I was working at the aquarium when a guest began to talk with at me:
“Oh you have the most beautiful blue eyes, don’t you know? I’m sure people tell you all the time. You don’t wear makeup do you? Of course you don’t. If you wore some mascara to make your lashes longer your eyes would be beautiful.”

…Thanks.

I don’t really remember what she looked like, but she will forever live in my brain looking like Lucille Bluth

 

Married? You should leave him. You have a dog? Put him to sleep.

Working at the front desk of a real estate office, I get a lot of sales people coming in to pitch to me. This guy was a thick-neck personal trainer from a new gym that was about to open up. He wanted to leave some flyers for the agents, but insisted on writing his name on each flyer before giving them to me. Here’s the exchange we had while he sat and wrote his name 30 times:

Guy:”Real estate offices always hire supermodels. Do you work out?”
Me: “No.”

(he brought a dog with him)

Me: “Can I pet your dog?”
Guy:”You can pet me if you’re not married.”
Me: I am.
Guy: Happy?
Me: Yes.
(I should have asked him to leave at this point.)
(He asks me about my dog and it comes up that Toofer has Addisons)
Guy: “I would put my dog down if there was anything wrong with him.”
Me: “He takes one pill a day and he’s totally normal.”
Guy: “Yeah but still. Where did you get him?”
Me: “The pound. We thought he was a border collie, but he surprised us.”
Guy: “Should have bought a purebred.”

I threw all the flyers in the trash.

You clearly don’t know who you’re talking to.

 

With Reluctance

I made (what I thought was) a fantastic Christmas party flyer at the request of one of my bosses. He didn’t like it. But instead of just telling me he didn’t like it, he made a (pretty bad) flyer to show me the “feel” he was going for. So instead of taking the time to redesign a new flyer from scratch, I turned my nose up as high in the air as possible used a premade flyer from word. He totally loved it and asked me to email it to everyone in the office. Still put out by the rejection of my initial invitation, at the bottom of the email below my signature I wrote in white (so no one could see), “Made with reluctance,” just to vent my frustration… My other boss got the email on her phone and the way Gmail works on a mobile device is that it shows a little preview of the first few lines of text from the body of the email. Well everything else in the body of the email was image so you can guess what she saw. I explained what I did to both of my bosses expecting some serious backfire and all they did was laugh! Now every time they pass by my desk they announce what they are doing…with reluctance.