6th-Graders Are The Worst

I help with the worship on Wednesday morning chapel at the Christian school connected to my church. When worship is done I go and sit with the kids and listen to the message. On one of these days I was chewing on my lip and it made an incriminating fart noise that made the surrounding group of 6th-grade girls turn around and throw offended looks at me. I tried to motion that the noise was definitely made with my mouth and not with my butt but I don’t think they believed me.

I am 24 and still embarrassed.


I am The Meanest in The Land #2

Scene: It’s day 3 of driver’s-ed and 16-year-old me is coming back to the classroom from lunch. I don’t know anyone in the class and I don’t really care to talk to anyone since the classes are only 5 days long. A gangly, unwashed boy with a dime-sized scab on his upper lip approaches me.

Scabby: You don’t talk very much, do you?

Me: Nope.

Nipped in the Butt

On vacation to visit my sister-in-law and her husband in Alaska, I lost a battle against the mosquitoes. I hold to the belief that the mosquitoes in Alaska are actually a rare strain of prehistoric insects once thought to be extinct. These prehistoric mosquitoes carry dino-diseases that turn mere humans into welt-covered mutants. They can smell fear from miles away and swarm their victim until he or she is utterly unrecognizable. Their razor-sharp noses can pierce fabric and only deadly amounts of DEET will deter them for a short time.

They stung my butt

In the shape of a smiley-face.

I went to pee in the woods on a fishing trip and had only used bug spray on my clothes and not my skin. My bare butt was nature’s dartboard to nature’s darts.

And then they stung my hands so badly that I couldn’t bend my fingers.

I spent the next 3 days with ice packs on my hands and on my chair.

No Benadryl, thankyouverymuch! I learned my lesson on my honeymoon.

The Honeymoon

This is the story to end all stories. This one is so bad, I almost want to spare the public from my own humiliation. But at the same time, it’s such a weird story I somehow end up telling to pretty much everyone I know. What is wrong with me?

Ok. Here it goes.

My husband and I went for a Baja Mexico cruise for our honeymoon and left the day after the wedding. We were both 18 and more than excited (obviously) for our romantic getaway. But God, being the ultimate unrelenting practical joker, had other, more hilarious plans. The makeup I had worn for my wedding made my eyelids swell up and itch and water. I went from blushing bride to bug-eyed monster overnight. By the second day I could only open one eye.

Since it was a cruise, and I didn’t really expect this situation to arise, I didn’t have any treatment for my swollen eyelids. So I went to the gift store and bought some Benadryl to fight the swelling. I took 2, hoping that would be enough to at least stop the itching, but it didn’t help. 2 hours later I took 2 more. And then 2 hours later I took 2 more. Again. I took 6 Benadryls. As most would have guessed, 6 was too much and I insisted on not sleeping off the drowsiness that comes with Benadryl. I kept walking around the cruise ship thinking I could feel it rocking when it was actually all the drugs inside me trying to put me on the floor.

After taking 6 pills and insisting on staying active, it was dinner time. At the table I couldn’t fight the drowsiness any longer and passed out on the floor. A doctor at a nearby table helped me up and asked me what happened. When I told him I took 6 Benadryl he said, “6?! I only take half of one to knock me out at night and I’m twice your size!”

Suddenly coming to the realization that I am the dumbest person in the Pacific, I let the ship crew wheel me down to the on-board hospital.

I don’t know if it was my appearance, my stupidity, or my hazy drunken perception of everyone else, but the doctor and nurse both had a giggle-fest at my expense. I explained about the Benadryl and my eyes that now resembled a squeezed frog’s and cried. I was so embarrassed.

“Has this happened to your eyes before?”


This had happened to me before. In my senior year of high school I had a similar experience during a week-long fine arts convention–minus the drugs. The doctor for this occurrence was stumped, but prescribed a steroid cream to reduce the allergic reaction. You know what the most common steroid cream is? Hemorrhoid cream. I put Hemorrhoid cream on my eyes. 

The ship nurse almost wet himself laughing. But he didn’t wet himself.

I did.

They were giving me steroids to fight the swelling and fluids to flush the drugs from my system–meaning I had to pee them out. I was a little too wobbly to get to the toilet so they gave me a bed pan to go in. I missed and peed all over the red dress I wore to dinner. Somehow even more humiliated than before, I insisted on walking to the bathroom for my next attempts at…flushing my system.

So with the help of my new husband, I sat on the toilet and peed and had diarrhea and peed some more while he held my hand.

After the flush the crew wheeled me back to my cabin to sleep off the rest.

The next day I went back to the ship hospital for quick look-over and besides a high heart rate and dilated pupils, I was fine.

Thank goodness! That day was the zip line excursion and I wasn’t about to miss it. I was able to do all but the last line before going back to rest. I went to the bathroom about 3 times within the 30 min it took my husband to get back from the last line because my body was still getting rid of some of the fluids. When the last call to board the van back to the ship was made, I peed one more time to make sure I could make it the whole trip.

I didn’t.

We were in the middle of a cactus field when I couldn’t hold it anymore. After begging the driver to pull over he gave me a few choice words in Spanish and finally let me jump off to pee in the desert.

I bolted out the door to try to find a spot away from the van and the onlookers it was transporting. I paused at what I thought was a good spot until I heard a resounding “NO!” come from the van. Apparently everyone could still see me and really didn’t want to.

Nobody looked me in the eye when I re-boarded.

The last few days of the cruise were less eventful. We played mini golf, did some rock climbing, watched some awesome performances, and haggled with Mexican vendors for fake Rolex watches. By the last day my eyes were finally a normal size so we decided to take the camera up to the top deck and take some pictures. We hadn’t really taken any because up until the last day I looked like Sloth from The Goonies.

We left the camera on the deck and it never made it home.

And the icing on the cake?

Swine flu.

Foot in Mouth #2

I had a phone interview with a pet teeth cleaning service and I wasn’t as prepared as I should have been.

Interviewer: Pet owners are very careful when trusting others with the care of their pets. Are you capable of assuring people you’ve never met before of your trustworthiness?

Me: Absolutely! I’m a great first-impressionist!

Internal me: Noooooo! What have I done?

Why is it cute when a baby puts her foot in her mouth but not when I do it?

I Am The Meanest In The Land

I went to a very tiny church a few years ago and I was kind of the go-to substitute teacher on Sunday mornings. I had been teaching a 5th grade class full of boys for a while. It was fun and easy because if they started to whine I could just tell them to stop and get over it and they would.

One Sunday I was subbing for a kindergarten class and I forgot to switch gears from the 5th grade style, and I turned into a monster.

Me: Ok kids, it’s time to clean up. It’s almost time to go!

Kid: *In a fake, baby-talk voice* But I don’t want to clean up!

Me: *mimicking his tone* Aaw! Well that’s just too bad!

Kid: You sound like a baby.

Me: You’re acting like one.

Kid: *a surprised look on his face* Those are mean words…

Yes. Yes they are. I am a menace to all kindergartners. Hide your kids.