The Time I Bombed Target’s Bathroom

It was my time of the month and I was out of tampons so I ran to target to get some. Immediately after I bought them I need to use them, so I made my way to the women’s restroom right behind a Target employee. She went into a stall and immediately ran out of it like a monster was peeking out of the toilet so I decided to not take my chances and go in a different stall. When I got in there and sat down I realized that I also had the period poops.

The super stinky, how-can-my-body-hold-so-much-crap poops.

While doing my own thing, I heard two other girls enter and use the bathroom. Suddenly, one of them says, “My toilet won’t flush!” To which the other replies, “Mine won’t either!” Then I hear an employee explain that the toilets aren’t functioning and that the bathroom is being closed for maintenance.

So the obvious response is to pray and pray that my toilet is the exception to this restroom breakdown. It wasn’t.

I tried to flush the mess I had just made but the water level started rising higher and higher. I did the fastest hand washing of all time as I heard the toilet water and all the contents that I had just put in there start to splash on the floor!

I ran as fast as I could out of the bathroom to the exit while yelling “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!” to the employee with the mop bucket entering the now-bombed bathroom.

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The Accidental Text

I feel like everyone has done it. You know, sent a text to the wrong person. Well my story totally wins.(or loses–however you want to look at it)

I was explaining to my mom over the phone that my acne had gotten so bad that I scheduled a dermatologist appointment to get it taken care of. It was the worst it had ever been and I had been caking on makeup to cover all the redness and splotches and it was getting seriously painful to even lay on my pillow at night. Like really really bad. She had never seen me break out so badly and was wondering if I could send her a pic to see if it was actually an allergic reaction instead of just acne.

Here’s where the mistake was made: when I opened up my iPhone messenger app to send her a pic, it was already open to a conversation, but not with my mom. It was with my overly awkward church worship leader! I snapped 2 pics and sent them off before I realized what I had done!

He claims to have never opened it, but how could he not? And if he did, it’s so embarrassing that of course he would say he never saw it. I’m sure he wishes he never did.

No Pants #4

This can also be titled “Ladybugs Are A Bunch Of Jerks” because I was pantsed by a swarm of them.

Not really, but whatever. I still blame the bugs.

At church camp one year there was a huge swarm of ladybugs that covered the entire camp. we had to cancel a bunch of activities because there were too many bugs to go outside. They were getting in kids’ eyes ears and mouths just from walking around. It was seriously an apocalypse-status attack.

One activity that made the cut was a water balloon fight. Since the little beetles steered clear of water, we were pretty safe. So we ran around and got soaked and had a great time. When I went back to the cabin to change back into dry clothes, I found a lost and lonely ladybug in my suitcase. Being the compassionate kid that I was, I decided to set the thing free outside.

Turns out that sometime between coming into the cabin and finding the ladybug I had taken off and forgotten about my pants. So I set the jerk free on the deck of the cabin wearing a wet t-shirt and my underoos while a group of kids walked past with fishing poles.

I’ve only recently begun to forgive the little jerks with their stupid polka-dotted butts and ugly beetle faces.

You're not fooling anyone, you spotted jerk.
You’re not fooling anyone, you spotted jerk.

Nipped in the Butt

On vacation to visit my sister-in-law and her husband in Alaska, I lost a battle against the mosquitoes. I hold to the belief that the mosquitoes in Alaska are actually a rare strain of prehistoric insects once thought to be extinct. These prehistoric mosquitoes carry dino-diseases that turn mere humans into welt-covered mutants. They can smell fear from miles away and swarm their victim until he or she is utterly unrecognizable. Their razor-sharp noses can pierce fabric and only deadly amounts of DEET will deter them for a short time.

They stung my butt

In the shape of a smiley-face.

I went to pee in the woods on a fishing trip and had only used bug spray on my clothes and not my skin. My bare butt was nature’s dartboard to nature’s darts.

And then they stung my hands so badly that I couldn’t bend my fingers.

I spent the next 3 days with ice packs on my hands and on my chair.

No Benadryl, thankyouverymuch! I learned my lesson on my honeymoon.

The Time I Peed Myself to Avoid Embarrassment

As mentioned in my previous post, I went to a very small, very conservative, Christian high school. Every year we participated in an international student convention where Christian schools from all over the world gathered to compete in different events.

A classmate and I were on our way to one of the events and took a detour to a public restroom. I had been holding my bladder for a while and really needed to go, but I didn’t want it to make a lot of noise when I went because the girl I was with (the same one from the last post) liked to point out anything even remotely embarrassing and use it like a cattle prod against me.

I leaned as far as I could to make sure I hit porcelain instead of water.

I leaned too far.

I peed like a sharp-shooter right between the toilet seat and the bowl and onto my nylon stockings.

Nylons were required to attend any competitions (seriously conservative school) and I wasn’t about to walk around in urine-soaked hosiery, so I lied.

A self-deprecating lie is always the most convincing, so this one was good. This particular classmate was sharing a room with me at the convention and was appalled by how bad my feet smell after a day of wearing nylons (I’m not the only one, right?) and had already repeatedly made fun of me about it in public and in private. It seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. I told her my feet smelled so bad I could smell them while they were still in my shoes and need to wash my feet and change my nylons.

And guess what.

IT TOTALLY WORKED! She complained all the way to the room about how we were going to be late to the event, but she never found out what happened!

Church Camp

I went to a very conservative Christian camp in my freshman year of high school with some not-so-nice schoolmates from my very tiny Christian school. There were designated swim times for boys and girls to swim separately and clothes had to be worn en route to the pool. It was the girls’ turn to swim so we all put our suits on and our long skirts over them (really conservative) and walked over together to swim.

Turns out my underwear had gotten stuck inside my skirt while changing into my suit and fell out on the walking path where it was later found by a bunch of boys. A counselor quickly snatched it up before the boys could do anything sinister with it, but when we got to the cabin, the counselor held my floral-printed waist-highs into the air and said “Whose are these? One of you dropped them outside.” In the half second it took for my face to turn beet red, one of my schoolmates laughs and screams, “Anna! Those are yours!” while the whole cabin had a good laugh at my expense. She apparently had thoroughly examined my undergarments as we all changed.

This same girl later thought it was a funny prank to put hair gel in my sneakers.

Shut up they were awesome.

The Time I Pooped On My Husband’s Wallet

One night my husband had a few friends over for a D&D game night (someone else needs to be embarrassed besides me in some of these stories). Feeding 5 or 6 men in their 20’s is no easy task, so I decided to go grab some pizzas from the nearby parlor. I took my husband’s wallet with me instead of my purse so I could carry all the pizzas by myself. After getting the pizzas and coming home, I needed to poop (no way!). I had the wallet in my back pocket when I went into the bathroom, but I didn’t when I was done. When I dropped my pants to sit down, the wallet came out of my back pocket and fell into the toilet! I didn’t even realize what had happened until I turned around to flush and thought I had just pooped a square.

I had to fish the wallet out from under my waste and toss it into the bathtub so I could wash it off with the handheld shower head.

Seeing the humor in what had just happened, I called my husband over to have a laugh and asked him to not tell his friends. He got a look on his face I hope I never see again, and ran down the hallway screaming, “Anna just pooped on my wallet!”

Next time I won’t even tell him.

Not that I’m guaranteeing that there will be a next time…